Kaspa writes: Some of you know that I was a celibate monk when I met Satya…
This week I’m writing about learning to trust. I started thinking about this because for the first time we are offering our e-courses with bendy pricing – you pay whatever amount you would like to for the courses. We’re trusting that you will pay an amount that values both us and you, but we have no way of knowing what the results will be. That said – I do trust that it’s a good way for us to move forward. Click here to learn more & register for Writing as Spiritual Practice or Finding Your Way Home, and read on to hear about a time when my trust was really tested.
Not long after we realised that there was a spark between us I flew to India to help with a project in Delhi. Satya and I emailed each other every day. As my return flight drew closer the conversation moved towards trying to figure out if there was a way we could be in relationship that worked for both us.
This was a time when my ability to trust was really tested. I tried to figure out if Satya was ‘the one’. If I was going to leave monastic life I wanted it to be for something worthwhile, and not fleeting. By the time I returned to the UK from India I had a pretty good sense that there was something serious going on; something that I wanted to make a go of.
The next challenge was talking to the people I cared about in the Buddhist community, whilst having a suspicion that some of them would think I was being rash. I didn’t think that I was being rash, but I placed a lot of importance on how I was seen by other people and I was worried about their reaction. Would it be supportive, and if it wasn’t would I be able to withstand it?
I could either let them know, or let Satya know that I wasn’t going to go through with it.
In a way I was forced into trusting. There was no way that I was going to let Satya down, so I had to face my fears of other people’s reactions. I remember sending a few emails and not being able to do anything at all until I received their replies.
The reactions were mixed. Some people were supportive, even happy for me, some were confused, and some were supportive until I told them I was going to move out.
Being in the midst of all of this was difficult. I wanted to do the right thing by my Buddhist tradition, and by Satya, and most of all I wanted everyone to accept me just as I was.
Some people took a while to come around to the idea. It was a struggle for me to live with their worries. They had to see that Satya and I were serious about each other, and that I was serious about being committed to my practice once I had left the community. Everyone did come around eventually, and it’s great that the story has a happy ending, but that’s not the most important thing for me.
The important part is that I was forced to trust other people and that even when I didn’t get the reaction I was hoping for I could still withstand that reaction.
Usually when we trust someone and are disappointed, we learn not to trust again – we protect ourselves against future disappointment.
I’d done that in the past, which was why it was so difficult for me to share my feelings about Satya with the community. But I’m glad not everyone reacted as I’d hoped straight away, because it taught me that I could trust in something greater… I’m not sure what I’d call that – something like ‘it’s possible to be okay even when everything feels upside-down.’
I’m talking about trust because this month we have decided to take a leap of faith and trust all of you. Our e-courses starting on Friday are now with bendy pricing – you pay whatever amount you would like to, and we’ll accept it. We tried this with our email-package 31 Days of Positive Action, and the results were promising. I think that email package is worth around £15 – and on average that is what you have paid.
The two courses starting on Friday are Writing and Spiritual Practice and Finding Your Way Home. If you want to explore this idea of trust further, sign up to Writing and Spiritual Practice - the first week is all about faith (or in other words, what do you trust?)
In Finding Our Way Home we’ll use a series of writing exercises and reflections to think about our place in the world, we’ll use our journals to get to know ourselves better and to uncover our dreams.
We look forward to welcoming you.
“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.” ~ Julian of Norwich