Monthly Archives: March 2010

What really matters

This is the house where I’ve been staying for the past ten days, minus my laptop.

I’ve shared those ten days with four Buddhist cats, 27 fellow psychotherapy students, three faciliators, a resident Buddhist community, and two Lord of the Rings geeks.

I’ve sat in a circle and sobbed. I’ve laughed at Pictionary until my stomach ached. I’ve sang Taize and floated in the bliss of sweet voices coming together. I’ve played Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuits and been scared by the geekiness of the Lord of the Rings geeks. I’ve chanted Namo Amida Bu and bowed to the golden Buddha. I’ve drunk tea and tea and tea. I’ve sat in a circle and felt soaked in love.

Who am I now? My old life doesn’t quite fit me any more. I’m clearer about some of the things I do (a long story), and I know how I’d like to be different. I’m clearer about some of the stuff I’ve been wasting my time on (the internet, buying stuff, trying too hard at anything), and some of the things I’d like to do more of (creating space for poems to enter, journalling, walking outside and looking at the flowers).

What next?

Nick Drake is playing on my i-pod. I’m going to listen to this song. I’m going to give it my full attention, and I’m going to feel grateful, for Nick Drake, for my i-pod, for my black cat coiled on my white furry cushion, for the sofa I’m sitting on, for the Green and Blacks caramel chocolate on the table. I’m going to love it all. Does anything else matter?

Seven day and seven night internet fast (gulp)

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On Friday morning, I’m setting off to the second week-long residential course block for my Buddhist psychotherapy training with the Amida Trust.

I’m still seeking space.

The internet is very clever at filling in my space. There are always emails arriving, blog posts to be written, comments to reply to, Amazon rankings to check. I leave it on when I’m downstairs reading, and pop upstairs every so often to see what’s happening on Facebook. I know, it’s tragic.

My friend Lynsey challenged me to leave my laptop at home when I go away. LEAVE IT AT HOME? Was she mad? I could keep it under my bed like I did last time, and check my email at lunch times. I could keep on top of everything. I could stay ‘plugged in’ to the world.

She’s right, of course. Leaving it at home is the best gift I can give to myself right now. When I use the internet like that, I’m not plugging into the world, I’m pulling away. I’m avoiding what’s waiting for me in the spaces. The restlessness, the doubts, the insecurity. Who knows what else.

I hope I might find out next week. I’ll be surrounded by old friends and new, and Jodo, Sharry, Zen, and the fourth resident cat who’s name escapes me. I’ll be wearing big jumpers and sipping mint tea in the garden. I’ll be sitting as part of a group, looking at the faces of my fellow bombu human beings, and feeling safe.

When I return, I need to negotiate a different relationship with the internet. I’m not sure what it will look like, or how I’ll manage it, but I’m looking forward to a new chapter. Wish me luck.

Much gratitude again to the most wonderful whiskey river for finding the words (written by Annie Dillard this time) that say exactly what I want to say about myself. That’s what the best writers do.

Have wonderful weeks. I’ll be back. I hope you miss me, but Ruth will be here in my absence : )

“The gaps are the thing. The gaps are the spirit’s one home, the altitudes and latitudes so dazzlingly spare and clean that the spirit can discover itself like a once-blind man unbound. The gaps are the clefts in the rock where you cower to see the back parts of God; they are the fissures between mountains and cells the wind lances through, the icy narrowing fords splitting the cliffs of mystery. Go up into the gaps. If you can find them; they shift and vanish too. Stalk the gaps. Squeak into a gap in the soil, turn, and unlock – more than a maple – a universe.”

Annie Dillard

Dear Tesco… (Bouncy-Frog-Pet-Ball complaint letter)

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Hello Tesco.

I had an unusual substitution today. I really needed some lint rollers (I have 2 cats with lots of fur) and I actually placed my whole order with you specifically because you had these in stock.

My order has just arrived, and as you didn’t have these particular lint rollers you substituted them with three Tesco Bouncy Frog Pet Balls.

I don’t actually have a dog, and these three green bouncy pets don’t seem to be very good at picking up the cat hair ; )

I really wanted to avoid going into the store to get these lint rollers. As it was your substitution process that was at fault (there are other types of lint rollers on your site, and any of these would have been very satisfactory) would you be able to deliver these to me without having to pay for delivery again?

I look forward to your response.

Kind regards,
Fiona (usually happy Tesco customer)

PS I have blogged this letter at www.plantingwords.com and will, of course, put your response up too!

Have I shot myself in the foot? And THE MOST AWFUL dance ever

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Was it a good idea or a terrible idea to blog my novel Thaw? Author Sue Guiney asks me some difficult questions over at her blog Writing Life, and I try my best to answer them.

There’s also an interview with me at Sassy’s Alternative Read, including an opportunity to win a signed copy of Thaw if you leave a comment.

Now let me say first that I don’t envy men when it comes to salsa dancing.

Not only do they have to learn the footwork and the moves, but they have to learn how to give the right signals in order to lead, and THEN they need to make routines up in their heads as they go along, never mind having to handle women who don’t know quite what they’re doing.

However. Last night I had the worst dance in my entire life. I felt like my partner was holding a huge lump of meat by the stump (my hand) and banging it against the dancefloor – boof! Move over there! Boof! Spin! Boof! Spin the other way! There were NO clues as to what he wanted me to do next, and there was ABSOLUTELY no reference in any way to the music we were dancing to. It was so awful, I seriously considered asking to stop half way through. The only way I managed to get to the end was to grit my teeth and vow never to say yes again…

I did have a dance or two afterwards which restored my faith in humankind, but my head was still spinning when I got home. Not in a good way…

There. I feel much better now I’ve got that off my chest.

The sun is shining out there and I’m off for my art class. What do you have planned this week?

Melting and opening, and a gorgeous nude

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Matt found this photo online earlier, and if you’re reading Ruth’s diary you’ll recognise it from today’s post. I thought it was rather beautiful. We’ve got out of the habit of appreciating proper curves.

I’m reading Perfect Love: Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood. He doesn’t make it explicit in the book (or hasn’t so far) but Welwood is a Buddhist type, and the influence on his writing is very clear to me.

He speaks about ‘the wound of the heart’ as the parts of us that haven’t felt truly loved and accepted as they are, and how these parts close down so they don’t get hurt again, which cuts us off from the very love that would heal us. Basic stuff, but I think that this basic stuff can be the most difficult to really ‘get’.

Here are a couple of bits I’ve really resonated with so far:

Love and the wound of the heart always seem to go hand in hand, like light and shadow. No matter how powerfully we fall in love with someone, we rarely soar above our fear and distrust for very long. Indeed, the more brightly another person lights us up, the more this activates the shadow of our wounding and brings it to the fore. As soon as conflict, misunderstanding, and disappointment arise, a certain insecurity wells up from the dark recesses of the mind, whispering, “See, you’re not really loved after all.”

Yes – the more brightly another person lights us up…

And then this bit feels especially relevant to me, as ‘the pursuer’.

One way that couples often deal with their fear of receiving love is to split into two poles – one partner becomes the pursuer and the other the distancer. Although it looks as though the distancer is the one who is afraid of letting love in, in fact both sides are choosing control over receptivity. Pursuers remain in control by demanding, seducing, or chasing after – all of which keep them from having to melt and open. They are often frightened of having to receive and respond – which is why they would rather do the chasing. Distancers remain in control by withholding. While each side complains about the other, they are in fact doing the same thing: engaging in a strategy that avoids the risk of opening fully to love.

Don’t you just hate it/love it when you hear yourself perfectly described by someone who doesn’t know you?

Melting and opening. Amen to that.

Happy weekend x

Everything Is Going To Be All Right

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Here is a place where you can vote for your favourite author blog. ; )

Here are some lovely things that Sparkbright have said about my blogzine, a handful of stones.

Here is a lovely review of The Letters by Ms. Modern, and then she uses the word ‘dude’ which I would like to do more of.

There are some daffodils under a curdling sky, because Spring is JUST round the corner.

Here is a poem I like rather a lot. Dude!

Everything is Going to be All Right

How should I not be glad to contemplate
the clouds clearing beyond the dormer window
and a high tide reflected on the ceiling?
There will be dying, there will be dying,
but there is no need to go into that.
The poems flow from the hand unbidden
and the hidden source is the watchful heart.
The sun rises in spite of everything
and the far cities are beautiful and bright.
I lie here in a riot of sunlight
watching the day break and the clouds flying.
Everything is going to be all right.

Derek Mahon

Interview, spam, and back in sorts

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Rachael Hale is a cute-kitten-photographing-genuis. I’m usually careful to tell people that I like her calenders in an ironic way, but I’m caring less and less about my street cred as time goes on. Someone who really cared would never refer to it as street cred in the first place. You know what? I just like her cute kittens.

(One of these kittens is called Fat-boy. Fatty is unimpressed about having a namesake. He tells me there is only ONE Fat-boy.)

In non-kitten-news, the wonderful Eco-Libris, who plant trees to balance out books, have an interview with me here. You can win a signed copy of Thaw if you leave a comment, so hot-foot over. Don’t forget to buy a tree or two while you’re there. Are you still reading?

I found 1045 emails in my online spam folder today. There were at least 40 that weren’t spam. Sorry to everyone who had a rather delayed reply. I wonder if one day we’ll forget about the pink meat altogether?

I’m back in sorts today. I’m going salsa-ing three times this weekend, and this evening I ate a very yummy curry. It’s the little things.

Velveteen Rabbits and feeling out of sorts

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I am feeling out of sorts today.

This may be because I ate an undisclosed number of small tubs of Jude’s ice-cream last night.

It may be because I didn’t eat enough Jude’s ice-cream last night. (Their Hokey Pokey is particularly good). I am a woman and I do have pesky hormones. Sometimes it takes a lot of ice-cream to balance them out.

I tell you this not so you’ll be all sympathetic and lovely in the comments section (although that would be nice) but so you don’t think I’m always all sunshine and light. I think sometimes I only tell you about the sunshine and light, and I don’t want to create the wrong impression.

I did have a lovely weekend with Caroline and the capybaras. And I do have a warm fat furry creature sitting next to me on the sofa. And I am going dancing tonight (spin spin spin). But still. Out of sorts.

Much more importantly, my lovely friend Sage is featured over at my lovely friend Terresa’s blog today – she says some very wise things, as always, and also quotes The Velveteen Rabbit at length – a book I am very fond of.

I want Sage as a guest too. I’m going to email her immediately.

Happy Tuesday, lovely people, and especially those who are still reading. I hope you’re feeling in sorts, wherever you are.

The Dawning by Megan Taylor

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I’m rubbish at book reviews, so this won’t be a proper one of them, but I did want to let you know about Megan’s book.

I really enjoyed her novel ‘How We Were Lost’, and her latest novel The Dawning didn’t disappoint. She has such an amazing ability to take us into her character’s world – we can feel the gravel under their feet, and smell the frost in the air. As the story unfolded, I was gripped.

Here’s a couple of quotes and the blurb:

A beautifully written, tightly controlled and intricately construncted novel – extremely rich and evocative –Nicholas Royle

Compelling, enthralling, ensnaring. Megan Taylor spins each character into life and then she makes us wait, breath held, as they unravel…. This writing is fearless, is full of heart, is very, very good –Caroline Smailes

Taut domestic thriller set in Derbyshire’s Peak District on a wintry New Year’s Eve. ‘The Dawning’ explores the danger that can arise even at the heart of a family, over the course of one dark night.

Get yours now!

So how big were the waves?

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I’ve been organising my Blogsplash since last year. I aimed to get 1000 blogs involved, which was a teensy bit overambitious, but I did manage more than 260. I wanted to let as many people as possible know about my novel Thaw being published online.

The splash was on Monday. So how did it go?

At the beginning of the week I had 49 fans on my Facebook fan page. Now there are 148. There were 40 followers on the blog, and now there are 94. There were nearly 2000 hits to the blog this week. These numbers are still rising.

I had a look around the blogs and the comments seemed positive – people saying they’d seen Thaw elsewhere on the blogosphere, and that they might get it out the library, or that they’d like to continue reading. In this book-glutted world, that’s more than good enough for me. It’s my job to give my novels the chance of an audience, and then they’re on their own!

Will my sales rise or fall? I’ll let you know!

Read Thaw continues here… and if you’re still reading, do comment on the blog – I’d love to hear what you think so far.

I’ve got a weekend of my lovely friend Caroline, homemade biscuits and salsa dancing (and hoovering). What are you going to get up to?