This is a post from the archives especially for anyone feeling wobbly. 

Fiona writes: I’ve been listening to an audiobook conversation between Natalie Goldberg and Dosho Port called Zen Howl recently. There’s a lot of good stuff on there, especially for people like me who are interested in both writing and zen, but I was particularly struck by a section on discipline.

They were saying that it seems counter-intuitive, but that using discipline is a great route towards finding freedom. In their experience, the only way to get DEEPER is to use structure. The structure of zazen (sitting meditation) leads to greater insight. The structure of regular writing practice leads to better writing.

This is certainly my experience too. I work as a therapist, and the particular frame of the sessions (starting on time, meeting at the same time each week etc.) allow us to plumb the depths. We get closer to the difficult stuff, to the un-sayable truth.

Since starting my meditation and novel-writing again, thoughts and feelings have been shifting about in me like a nest of baby hamsters. It’s because I’ve created a strong enough container for them. The meditation and writing is steadying me, which is allowing me to be more wobbly elsewhere.

Here’s to wobbling. It gets us to all the interesting places.

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‘Buster feeling wobbly’ by Bklynraised came up when I did a search for ‘wobbly’ – he’s ‘one of the older cats on Miller Farm’. Bless him.

“The further inside one goes, the more one finds everybody.” ~Eleanor Wilner

Fiona writes: Five or six ago, a character called Joe sidled over & said a shy ‘hello’.

This is how my novels take seed. A protagonist appears from nowhere and asks me to tell their story. And so I started getting to know Joe. What he looked like (skinny & a teensy bit geeky). What he was passionate about (meteorology & ornithology). What his secrets were (that’d be telling…).

To find out about his world I read books about birds & the weather, interviewed people working in Europe’s top weather centre, exchanged emails with Dutch contacts and spent some time in Amsterdam.

I wrote the first draft (which is always a horrible struggle, however many times I do it). I wrote a second draft. I wrote a third draft. I read it out loud. I had it proof-read by others. I wrote another draft. The proof arrived. I read it through again. (I must confess that on every one of these readings certain bits made me cry….)

I wrote down Joe’s story. All ninety thousand and sixty eight words of it. And now, after all this hard work, I am giving it to you for free.

Let’s be clear about this. Giving it away for free is part of my marketing strategy. The more people who read it and enjoy it, the more chance I have of finding new readers. And of people wanting to read my other novels and take one of our mindful writing ecourses. And of making enough money to put a deposit on a little cottage in the country.

And also.

I love the idea of people around the world meeting Joe, and laughing with him, and feeling sad with him, and accompanying him on his transformation. I want people to love him as much as I do, and to learn from him as I did.

Some of these readers will write to me and tell me they’ve enjoyed the book, and some won’t. Some people won’t like it at all. That’s fine. I want to make this offering with open hands, whilst acknowledging the parts of me that are hungry for a little house in the country. Open hands.

Not stupendously generous, because what I’ve learned from being a writer and the deliciousness of words and the gift of being read means I’ve already been ‘paid back’ a hundred times (a million times) for my efforts.

Not stupid either. Meet Joe. Care about him like I do. And we’ll all be as happy as sunflowers.

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‘Sunflowers’ by Stuck in Customs via Creative Commons, with thanks.

Fiona writes: Over the past few two days more than twenty thousand people have downloaded my new novel The Most Beautiful Thing. They were going like hotcakes. Every few seconds I could click on the downloads and see the figure go up by ten or twenty.

This morning, in the space of two hours, I have sold one.

The difference? £3.99 ($6.50). This is how much my book costs now. The book that took me two years of research, writing & re-writing. The book me & Kaspa started a publishing company to publish, and designed the cover for, and proofed over and over. The book about Joe, who I care very deeply about.

Of course, that’s not the whole story.

My strategy was to ask my friends & supporters to download it for free. I hoped that if enough people did this, then it would start appearing in Amazon’s free kindle charts. And it did. And once it got there, people I don’t know started downloading it. By the second day, my book was #1 in the Amazon UK free kindle charts. It was being downloaded more often than any other free book in the whole country.

Let’s be clear. Before this promotion, despite sparkling reviews and a pretty reasonably-sized existing platform, I was selling one or two copies a day. Without making my book free, the vast proportion of those twenty thousand people wouldn’t have downloaded it, however brilliant it is. It’s no good charging a decent price for our work if nobody is seeing it. I really had nothing to lose by doing what I did.

Or did I? I felt depressed this morning. Will I ever make any money? Was all that work contacting people & organising a Blogsplash for nothing? Will we never be able to afford new carpets? I sat for a while and allowed myself to feel sad.

And then I stumbled across Seth Godin’s piece on not expecting applause. And then I found exactly what I needed to read – a beautiful piece about longing by my dear friend Sage Cohen. “Sometimes, no matter how much we want something, it is not our time for manifesting,” she says. And she speaks (as Rumi does in the poem accompanying her piece) of where we can find the answer to our calls of longing. The answer is found in the heart of the call itself. “Maybe that ache is simply enough. We may or may not hear anything back. Still, we write.”

Maybe some of those twenty thousand people will tell their friends about my book. Maybe they won’t. That will become clearer over the next few weeks, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

But whatever happens, we write. We live. With new carpets or without. With praise or without.

I have found my way back to gratitude, whatever happens next. There are the roses budding in the garden. There is this cup of cherry tea. There is my friend’s new baby girl. There is this old-man cat, curled into a circle, his chest rising up and down as I watch him sleep. I send my love out to him. I don’t need anything in return. The answer is already present in the sending.

POSTSCRIPT: I wrote this blog, and felt much better, and published it, and then in the past twenty minutes I have sold ten novels in the UK. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? *smiling*

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If you do enjoy your downloaded book and you’d like to offer me something in return, you could write a review on Amazon or elsewhere, buy a copy for a present, recommend it to your friends or donate something through our community fund. Thank you : )

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‘Don’t ignore me’ by Colourless Rainbow via Creative Commons

Fiona writes: A best-seller.

That’s what my novel The Most Beautiful Thing is, currently at #1 (yup, #1) in all the kindle books selling in the UK, and at #2 in literary fiction in the US.

Or would be, if it was actually selling. I’m giving it away, you see, until the end of today. Get yours while you can.

I’ve already talked a bit about why I’m doing this (it’s not because I’m a nice person). As things stand, it’s feeling like a pretty good decision.

Let’s assume that it’s going to go on to sell bucket-loads from tomorrow, when I do start charging again. The money it brings will allow me the space to get out my fifth, stalled novel. It will pay for new carpets (these ones are very dingy). It will pay for the odd Hotel Chocolat box of chocolates. That will be a wonderful thing.

But even without all that, this has been a hugely positive and affirming experience.

If it hadn’t been for all of you, supporting me by tweeting or sharing on Facebook or reviewing the novel on Amazon or sending me good vibes, the book would never have risen the charts in the way it has.

I become ridiculously fond of all my characters. And to know that Joe is currently on more than ten thousand kindles all over the world, waiting to be read, is truly amazing.

And so I’d like to offer you my gratitude, and a slice of this delicious virtual cheesecake. I am very lucky to have you all behind me. Deep bow.

Oh, and we also had a little thing called a Blogsplash yesterday. Reading your posts made me cry at LEAST five times, and warm-glow-smile countless times. If you’d like to bask in some of the sunshine, do put some time aside this week (with a nice cup of coffee) to explore them. Aren’t we great?

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‘Raspberry cheesecake’ by floridecires via Creative Commons

Fiona writes: One of my friends got in touch last week, outraged that I was giving my new novel The Most Beautiful Thing away for free on Kindle on Tuesday and Wednesday. She enjoyed the book so much and thought it was worth so much that she couldn’t bear the idea.

So am I doing it from the kindness of my heart?

No.

Here’s the deal.

1). I am an author, and I want to make money from my books. We need new carpets.

2). I want to be read by as many people as possible. I know that my character Joe has affected people. He’s moved them to happy & sad tears, and then stayed with them long after they’ve closed the book. My book has changed them. This is why I write.

At the moment, I’ve been graced with seventeen five star reviews on Amazon. But nobody is buying my book. Why should they? They’re not seeing it, because it’s not in the charts or the shops. They don’t know who I am. Why should they part with their hard earned cash, when they have a list of novels by their favourite authors waiting for them (never mind the teetering pile on their bedside table)?

Giving-my-book-away is a part of my strategy to meet points 1) and 2). If enough people download it, it’ll get up into the Amazon charts where more people will see it and download it in turn. Some of those people will tell their friends about the book. Some of them will write me a review. Some of them (like last time I made it free) will even get in touch and offer me a donation. People are nice.

Of course, it might not make a big splash at all. But at the very least my book will have a brand new readership, and some of those readers will care about Joe as much as I do. And that’s good enough for me.

Do help me spread the word on Tuesday, which is also the day of our blogsplash. I’ll be tweeting and Facebooking like a crazy woman.

And do enjoy your weekends. We’ve just polished off a plate of crispy roast potatoes, cauliflower-and-leek cheese (with extra cheese on top), Yorkshire puds, veggie sausages & bright peas. That’ll do nicely for my Most Beautiful Thing today.