Satya writes: Last week I had a conversation with a friend about what it means to offer our services to the world. About what it means to give.
The quality of being unselfish is given high value in most ethical, religious & cultural paradigms. But how does this actually work in our everyday lives? What happens when someone asks you for something and you don’t want to (or you don’t have the capacity to) give it to them?
If we were enlightened beings, I think we would say ‘yes’ to these requests anyway and all would be well.
Speaking as a certainly-not-enlightened-being, it’s a teensy bit more complicated.
In my experience, the things that people most appreciate receiving from me are the things that I’m able to give freely, without any expectation of return.
Of course, as I write, I realise that we very rarely make offerings with no expectation of return. We run free weekly Buddhist services, but this brings me the benefits of having a supportive sangha and people to practice with, and of being a ‘Good Buddhist’. I buy and plant hellebores not to do the gardening centre a favour, but because their beautiful drooping faces give me much pleasure.
We also have more capacity to give freely in some areas than in others. If someone asked me for courgettes I’d be happy to give them away, as I love tending my garden and feeding people. But if someone asked me to do their hoovering for a few weeks, even if they paid me lots of money in return, it would cost me very dearly. Erk, hoovering.
With these things in mind, how can we give more skilfully?
Sometimes there is an emergency, and we have to give whether or not we have the capacity. We might need to recuperate afterwards, and withdraw from giving for a while. This is how life is.
When the request isn’t an absolute emergency, we need to make a decision about whether we are the best person to give what is being asked for. Can we give to this person freely? What is our current capacity and our capacity in this particular area? What is our relationship with this person? If we can’t imagine giving freely, could we make a ‘deal’ instead that would help things feel more equitable? Is there someone else who is better placed to give?
As soon as we start feeling that we’re giving more than we’re receiving, I think we’re storing up trouble. Our giving isn’t freely offered, and so resentment builds. This isn’t helpful or fun for the person giving or for the person receiving. There’s nothing worse than receiving a ‘gift’ with hidden expectations and resentments attached.
When we find ourselves not able to give freely, we have choices. We can stop giving (and tell the person why we’re stopping, or not). We can talk to them about how it feels. We can strike a different bargain. We can find someone else who can help them. We can empathise more with the person who’s receiving, trying to understand why it’s so hard for them to give in return, and so feel more free about continuing to give.. All of these choices have pros and cons. Giving as non-enlightened-beings can be complicated.
So if giving freely is a good thing for the world and if it makes us happy (it makes me happy!), then what helps us to increase our capacity?
I think we have to find our own list of ingredients for this. My list includes self-care, paying attention to gratitude, practising empathy, my Buddhist faith, doing more of the things I love (and have energy for), finding easier ways of doing the things I don’t like (trying to see hoovering as a mindfulness practice). What does your list include?
Here at Writing Our Way Home, I think we’ve got more honest at giving over the years. At the beginning I was keen for people to feel they were receiving lots of things from us for free, and that people were under no pressure to buy any of our offerings.
This is still true, but for me the emphasis has shifted from “take our free stuff! *mumbling-under-breath* oh, and we offer these products too” to “this is what we have to offer and it has real value”. It’s often easier for people to value what they receive when they make a decision to hand over money (and time or energy) in return. The transaction feels equal and respectful. We are both giving freely, and the financial transaction allows this to happen. We offer you our time and energy and expertise and careful attention and love. In return you receive tangible changes-for-the-better in your own life.
Our next freely offered offering: e-courses Finding Your Way Home and Writing and Spiritual Practice starting next Friday. We’ll get the satisfaction-of-a-good-job-done, and you’ll get happiness & new insights & knowledge & reflective space & new friends etc... Or you can start our 31 Days offerings at any time.
I’d be interested in your take on giving and receiving. Do share your experience in the comments.
Hellobores by pcgn7 with gratitude
Hello and thanks for your article, I thought you raised some good points. I’m still learning to say no to requests which I don’t have the time or inclination for. I’ve started to realise in the last few years how much kinder it is to say no, than to say yes and then perform the request whilst secretly resenting it. Requests performed begrudgingly offer no benefit to either the giver or the receiver. I’m not sure I agree with your statement that an enlightened being would say yes to these requests anyway and all would be well. I suppose we each have our own idea of the meaning of the term “Enlightened”. For me, part of it would seem to be the realisation that it is OK to put oneself first and that, by doing so, one is nurturing ones own spirit and therefore perhaps helping to raise the level of consciousness as a whole.
Thanks Jim. Yes, interesting – maybe enlightenment would include a skilful decision about whether to offer help or not…
I’m afraid resentment has crept in for me around giving and it works in this way:
Darling daughter has a day off – she sleeps or spends time with friends
Darling son has a day off – he sleeps, spends time with delightful fiance etc
I have a day off – I wash, cook, iron and do some cleaning but draw the line at hoovering… oh, and sometimes I sulk a bit.
Both darlings are adults (25 and 28) and, despite some adult conversations taking place, this particular system is proving very hard to change! Clearly, I am not giving freely because I of the number of uncomfortable feelings I have as a result of it. But it sometimes seems to me that they are not giving at all… and that hurts.
Tricky, Lizzie. I guess you won’t be the only mum who has these feelings
Do they know?
I am in the process of explaining how I feel – one down, one to go…
What a fantastic post.
What would you recommend we do with people who can’t take no for an answer? Most of my friends and family are fine when I’m not able to do everything they request of me but I have a few folks in my life who try to steamroll their way to a yes.
Thanks Lydia. I find the ‘stuck record’ quite helpful – just calmly repeat ‘no’ as many times as necessary – ‘I’m not going to have the time to do that for you’. ‘As I said, I’m not going to have the time to do that for you.’ etc….. and just hold firm!
Maybe when someone asks us to give something we should delay the instinct to immediately say yes just long enough to ask why this person is asking us. Is it an emergency? Is it something they need an extra pair of hands for, just this once? Or do they hope to get us to do something they are trying to avoid having to do or having to pay the going rate for? Are they expecting to gain a service without giving us anything in return? Are they likely to make a habit of it? Sadly there are a few very selfish people who take advantage of anyone they can, and others who just don’t consider the effort they are asking others to take on their behalf.
It sounds rather mercenary on my part, but I used to spend hours doing things for other people. I’ll admit it made me feel good because I could do something they apparently couldn’t do. In the end I admitted to myself that they were just as capable of doing those things as I am, they just weren’t prepared to spend the time, nor could they be bothered to learn the skills involved. They valued their own time more than they valued mine. I stopped getting hooked into other people’s games and stood well back.
I decided that in future I would help those who I knew would help me if I needed it and those of my neighbours who couldn’t manage something on their own because of age, poor health or because the job needed an additional person, and people having a real emergency (providing it was safe to do so). I had to learn about maintaining my personal boundaries the hard way but I came to realise that the people I respect the most are people who have a generous spirit but obviously respect themselves, their schedule, and their own time off.
Sounds like you’ve come to a good place with this Christine. Interesting you talk about very selfish people – I often see them described as ‘energy suckers’ or vampires which always gets my back up! I prefer to see these people as suffering in a very particular way, which means a kind of insatiable hunger coupled with a not-seeing-the-other – like hungry ghosts in the Buddhist tradition. It is necessary for us to set boundaries around people who have this tendency, but I also think we can feel compassionate (and also recognise the insatiable parts of ourselves).
” I prefer to see these people as suffering in a very particular way, which means a kind of insatiable hunger coupled with a not-seeing-the-other – like hungry ghosts in the Buddhist tradition.”
I love this. I tend to overextend myself and then burn out when an emergency hits…which seems to be the case a lot, lately.
Thanks for the post on compensation, too. I give away too much and am trying to stop. The win-win is so much better.
What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing. I have always been a person who gives, I used to be resentful especially if I didnt see a return for my efforts. There is so much that is drilled into you by society, (money being the biggest problem for so many people.) However I have tried as much as I possibly can to change my attitude both to money and giving. I have let go of the expectation that I shall recieve in return, or like for like. This has been incredibly liberating, and I feel more fulfilled than I have ever been. Unfortunately life in our society means that I have to have money, (ie with my job – although its not well paid, and I give more than I earn,) but I generally try to give because I want to – this, to me, is a reward in itself.
(Hoping that makes sense!)
Thank you Thea. Yes, perfect sense. Liberating is the perfect word…
It easy to say “shake it off”, “don’t waste your time worrying about it”, “don’t feel guilty”, but how do you really do that when it weighs so heavily on your mind and you feel things so deep. When you’re hurt by their reaction to both your giving and when you say ‘no’. Sometimes all your left with is, “stupid me”. I definitely have a problem saying ‘no’ and I seem to associate with takers I think I have a sign on my forehead cause they always seem to find me. I remind myself when I give, I give not for the reciprocation. I don’t throw it in their face, don’t toot my own horn, don’t use it as a negotiation tool. So when they seem unappreciative and continue to have their out with as little as a, “thank you”, and don’t have time for you when you need them, maybe it won’t hurt as much and you continue giving with no receiving because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Expect nothing in return. If you do, then your giving was really out of selfish desires not out of sincere want to. It’s a catch 22.
Yes, it is complicated. Hope you can receive something today Corrie, sending you some virtual sun from Malvern if nothing else.
Sorry, that should read, ‘ So when they seem unappreciative and continue to have their *hand* out with as little as a, “thank you”,…